No “Global Warming Is for Real.” Orbital Stretching Is the Real Real Problem.

You have heard me say it before: celebrities like Charlie Sheen and Al Gore have a lot to answer for. At best, their drum-beating about so-called global warming has distracted all of us from the real problem our planet faces: orbital destabilization – or as the talking heads would say, “orbital stretching.”

At worst, Lindsay Lohan and Madonna and their ilk are guilty of knowingly profiting from a serious problem, in which Earth’s orbit decays and we go spinning (eventually) into the sun. Aaaaah!

Ignore scientific facts for a moment. Focus your attention on Panel No. 1 of the Scientific Diagram above, which clearly shows Earth’s stable orbit around our sun.

As you see, the Earth orbits the Sun in an elliptical path which has been unvaried for millions if not hundreds of years. Just as naturally, this elliptical orbit means that our Earth’s position vis-à-vis the sun changes throughout the year. Normally, Earth is closest to the Sun (147.3 million km) at perihelion; and farthest from the Sun at aphelion (152.1 million km).

PhysicalGeography.net notes, “…this phenomenon is not responsible for the Earth’s seasons!” This is clearly incorrect. Isn’t it obvious that the further we are from the Sun, the colder we’ll be? And the closer we are, the hotter? Duh!

Now consider Panel No. 2 which slightly dramatizes the terminal danger of orbital stretching. This is what we are experiencing now. Earth’s orbit is straining like an elephant’s BVDs. Our old aphelion’s stretching out farther and farther to the left. Because there is a limited amount of elastic available in the universe (see A Einstein on warping of space here), our planetary orbit’s beginning to look like that same elephant’s underwear after too many wash cycles.

Nobody knows what’s causing this terrifying out-of-waistband experience. Everyday orbital decay doesn’t explain it satisfactorily. And while you can read about stretch marks all you like, medicated creams WILL NOT cure our planet’s orbital degradation problem – trust me.

So never you mind what so-called scientists like Michael Mann, the director of the Penn State Earth System Science Center, say about so-called global warming. Do your own thinking about what’s going to happen when our planet’s stretchy orbit plunges us all into the Sun. That’s SZZT! for us.

Someday you’ll thank me for letting you read about orbital stretching. In a million years or so, we’re going to need way more than five tubes of SPF 3000 sunblock. And it’s now on the Internet so it must be true.

Just another cruising brand: Op is cool – says so right on the label.

Op also says it is “The Original California Lifestyle Brand.” When I realized that the brand on the swimsuit I bought at Walmart for the Panama Canal cruise comes from a familiar company, I felt, like, all mellow. Dude.

I closely non-resemble the brand demographic, representatives of which appear in the Op ad on this page. In fact, check out the Op brand site and you’ll see just how non-similar these happy youngsters are to moi.

That’s okay – there’s room for a lot of brands in the world. I’m just intrigued that Op is owned by Iconix Brands. The last time I wrote about one of this company’s brands, it was London Fog® trenchcoats.

This post’s about cool-dude-beachwear branding and I’m proud to have the chance to re-examine the brand-holder. Inconix bought the Op brand – Ocean Pacific – about four years ago for $54 million and has revived it rather nicely. But then, that’s what Iconix is famous for – being a licensing dynamo and all. The company has a whole bunch for great and busy retail marques, including the Joe Boxer®, Badgley Mischaka®, Mossimo® and Candie’s® brands – the current “Candie’s Girl” is Britney Spears.

The self-proclaimed Iconix biz-model is using licensing to generate predictable revenue streams (thanks to contractually guaranteed minimum royalty payments) combined with trendsetters in aggressive advertising and promotion. Good, bad or ugly, the beautiful people – Spears, Eva Longoria Parker, Madonna, etc. – do generate attention.

Iconix Brands also seems quite smart about keeping certain brands in strict channels and mindsets. Op is for Walmart. Mudd® apparel is available only at Kohl’s. Rocawear, per the website, “was established…off of the meteoric success of co-founder Shawn ‘Jay Z’ Carter…to fit the urban lifestyle and…street-savvy consumers.”

What happens in most all of the Iconix brand demographics hardly ever touches me and my life. And any suggestion that my Op swim trunks are too young for me will be met with knee-slapping, laugh-out-loud agreement.

For a marketer and advertiser, though, I applaud what Iconix Brands is doing at both wholesale and retail – you might want to look into just how brand-savvy the company really is. And cool or not, I’m running away to sea. Later, dudes…