Friday, October 13, 2006

USS Clinton

By this time, you probably already know that the US Navy has introduced a new class of aircraft carrier into the fleet. The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS 1), above, set sail from its home port of Vancouver, British Columbia in June, 2006.

According to many reports on the Web, the ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton “for his foresight in military budget cuts” and his conduct while president. The US Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEA) emphatically denied that the new carrier is part of the Navy's “21st Century Aircraft Carrier Project.”

While this is not the first major US warship named after a president - e.g., USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76) - it is the first carrier in recent memory that is constructed entirely from recycled aluminum. Its cruising speed (unclassified) is five knots. Its airwing is comprised of one (unarmed) F-14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F/A-18 Hornet aircraft. Although they cannot be launched or recovered on the 100-foot flight deck, former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger says they “form a very menacing presence. Really.”

It does share the distinction (with USS Reagan and USS Jimmy Carter - see below) of being named after a person who was alive at the time of its christening. It was built in just 14 months and launched to pre-empt the introduction of USS George H W Bush (CVN 77), the Navy’s newest Nimitz-class nuclear-powered carrier, into the fleet. The Democratic National Committee declined to comment on Clinton’s hurried construction.

As a standing order, no firearms allowed on board. The 20-person crew is fully diversified and includes members of all races, creeds, sex and sexual orientation. An unidentified Naval spokesman denied there was an additional order that “if the boat is rockin’, don't come knockin’.”

The crew, like the much larger complement embarked on USS Jimmy Carter (SSN 23), is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

USS Clinton will boast the ability to steer a course straight down the middle, but will have a tendency to veer to the left or toward large sums of money. Unlike the much larger Nimitz-class carriers, it will be powered by an unending supply of overconfidence, which perpetually replenishes itself; but may use hamburgers as an alternative fuel. Critics say that maintenance of this class of carrier will be difficult, as items will constantly disappear from the aircraft and wardroom furniture will mysteriously vanish.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies is limitless; though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

The ship’s mission is not defined as a unit of national defense under the Navy’s “Forward…from the Sea” strategic deployment vision. Instead, in times of conflict, USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada. The ship will be initially deployed near the Democratic National Party headquarters on Capitol Street in Washington, DC, for photo opportunities; and can be used extensively for social experimentation.

The official launching included speeches by former presidents, the US Marine Corp Band and a wet T-shirt contest.

Old news revised. Thanks and a tip of the Hatlo hat to and Paul Hoven. Writers for Conan O'Brien assisted in compiling this article.

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