WASHINGTON (August 3) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. It is widely seen as one remedy for the complaint that Americans cannot do low-paying or “demeaning” jobs.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Barbara Boxer (D-CA). “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing.”
Former President Bill Clinton pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%). State DMVs also have a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under AWNA, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the proposed new law contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"
“As a Nonabled Person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI, due to her lack of notable job skills. '”This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA), “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”
Thanks and a tip of the Hatlo hat to Rob Schoenbeck and The Onion.
2 comments:
Such a bill is unfair to Texas politicians, as well as to members of the majority party in the U. S. Government – it creates a new, large and burgeoning mass of competition.
As a small business owner I look forward to the quarterly compliance forms that will keep me busy from any real contributions to the growth of the economy. Furthermore my employees will not have to work any overtime to compensate for the non-abled since the government will pay incentives to my business of 15.57 percent of each non-abled salary collected each year from abled tax payors via the new Form NA-EZ due by March 31, 2007. Late fees of 1.25 percent apply.
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