New Above

What’s in your attic? In ours, it’s a new Ruud 5-ton furnace, complete with fan drive. (This is the important bit - read on.) About 8.30 Wednesday night, the air conditioning system gave a mortal groan…and stopped. Our a/c went u/s…out of service. Kaput. Joined the Choir Invisible.

Thursday here it was 105°F. For two days, the temperature in the house rose in direct proportion to the day’s heat index and beyond. On Friday afternoon, it was actually cooler outside than inside.

Makes you wonder how William Faulkner actually got any writing done, back in the drip-sweat-on-the-paper days before home air conditioning. I didn’t, much; which is probably why I’m a somewhat-known ad-guy instead of a famous novelist.

Fortunately, our long-time HVAC service company, Sun Air Conditioning & Heating, came out on Thursday afternoon. Unfortunately, after a lot of banging about, Richard Socha (the Sun service tech) made his way down our rickety ladder bearing an immense double-shafted electric motor with two blowers attached. Further unfortunately, the manufacturer of this particular apparatus itself went belly up about five years ago. Replacement unit not available. We were double-shafted ourselves.

Thursday evening was not comfortable. It took three Martinis to get me into a soaking sleep. But the Sun team came out again on Friday with our new upstairs thing. It took three of them to hoist the thing up into the attic. And by 5P, we were back in business. In my case, you should take that literally.

Thursday and Friday were the times that try men’s souls. Barbara wasn’t too happy either. And yes, it took a certain level of…investment…to get ourselves back into the comfort zone.

Thanks to Sun, we're once again the height of cool. A good thing, too: above 100°F, photographic film (remember that?) turns reddish. The coatings of pills melt. The energy starts to drain from batteries. Barbara glows. Richard sweats all over the keyboard. That’s just plain Ruud.

Photo of a completely different but decorative piece of machinery by Sten Porse, Jutland, from www.commons.wikimedia.org. With thanks.

About Kin

The moderator of the AdRants section of SoFlow asked a question that generated more than 50 responses. The question was, “Is it fun being you?” My answer (short form): “Yes.” Part of the fun is the people I know. Part of the fun is thinking about the people I know. Which generated the lines below – the porch is in Atlanta and belongs to Bob and Edith Fusillo.

Fourteen Lines About Kin

Locusts sing in the daytime.
They sit in the sun and fiddle madly
Knowing that their lives are short.
They don’t care.
It’s their song in the sun.

Cicadas sing at night.
Can’t you hear them when the breeze is still
And the pines are tall and dark?
They don’t care.
It’s their song in your sleep.

Locusts sing in the daytime,
Cicadas sing at night,
Edith told us sitting on her porch.
“One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.”

Copyright © 2006 by Richard Laurence Baron. May Shakespeare forgive me.

Nucor Ads

A small note in today’s Business Section pointed out that Nucor (NYSE: NUE), the steel company, had just announced outstanding quarterly results – 21% revenue growth and a 40% rise in operating income. Superb numbers from what’s supposed to be a “dead” industry here in the US.

It also reminded me of Nucor’s fine ad campaign, which should be filed under “ads I wish I’d done.”

The ad agency, though, is Eric Mower & Associates Group B2B, an outstanding shop with a great track record. You can see the whole portfolio of Nucor ads here. The campaign’s been featured in the September, 2005, issue of US Ad Review. Just as important, the ads’ look and feel have been carried over to Nucor’s website and other materials.

You know it’s hard to connect business results with advertising, especially in industrial categories. But the industry, at least, has noticed: Traci Purdum bylined an article in Industry Week a few months back that specifically highlighted the ties between Nucor’s advertising claims and Nucor’s performance. The same ad campaign has to have had its effects on investors in this industry segment as well.

Give Mower and Nucor a big round of applause for bringing (and sustaining) a fresh look in an “old economy” industry. Can you say the same for your advertising?

Nucor ad from www.mower.com, with thanks.

Inventor Dies

James A. Van Allen, 91, who invented the famous white belt that made the polyester leisure suit the hallmark of the early ‘70s, has died after a heart attack August 9 at a hospital in Iowa.

Van Allen’s creation actually allowed the leisure suit to reach its fullest potential, the Full Cleveland. As one commentator has noted, “…your basic 70s traveling salesman stereotypical getup [included a] brightly-colored polyester leisure suit, shiny white belt and shoes, clashing colors...”

Mild and unassuming, the inventor/scientist was always secretly disappointed that he did not get credit for his fashion statement. He had to settle for his fame as the discoverer of the Earth-circling radiation belts that bear his name. He also sent spacecraft instruments to observe the outer reaches of the solar system. Far better known as an early pioneer in US space exploration, his obituary is here.

Photo from www.illawarrabowlsshop.com.au with thanks.

Markus Natri

When Dialogue International had its first Managers Meeting in Helsinki, Finland, years ago, that’s when I met Markus Natri. We sailed across to Suomenlinna Island and Fortress, where the Finns introduced us to the world’s largest sauna (originally designed to contain a Finnish Army infantry platoon). The idea: get all these agency managers into the sauna, let them wrap themselves up in sheets, then run ‘em down to the rocky shoreline and push the lot into the Baltic.

Truth: even in June, the Baltic is bloody freezing, breath-stopping cold. The Finns got a big yuk out of that. I think I was brave enough to do it once. Karl Woerlen, CEO of WWW (our German member agency in those days) did it three times – one tough guy.

The entire gang (which included Barbara and Rachel) warmed up considerably on the sail back across the harbor to Helsinki with food and drink – lots of drink. And songs and stories led by Markus. This is the same trip Markus and the Konsepti team introduced me to Lapinkulta beer and a particularly staunch liqueur called Salmiakki Kuso…if I needed more hair on my chest, this would have grown it. The Finns thought that was pretty funny, too.

Now Konsepti, one of Dialogue International’s original and longest-term members and Finland’s best independent agency, has announced: “Markus Natrista Konseptin uusi toimitusjohtaja.” For us English speakers, it means Markus has just been appointed Konsepti’s new Managing Director.

In making this appointment, Martti Viitamaki and Timo Kivi have established new leadership for this outstanding agency in Helsinki. For me, it means seeing a friend and colleague achieve a considerable position in his career – one that he deserves and will fill the post with energy and good humor.

Best wishes for a great future, Markus, for you and for Konsepti. And keep that sauna fired up – I hope to be coming back to Helsinki someday soon.

Suomenlinna photo by Tomtom-Paris, with thanks.

Dear Howard

Walking into the McMurtrey Gallery here and seeing your newest work covering the walls was as fulfilling an experience as I have had in weeks.

The colors, the liveliness – the lives of your paintings – gave me a sense of history. Too exaggerated, maybe, but it’s how I feel. Since I bought your figurative “Moment of Clarity” four years ago, you’ve given me the chance to see an artist develop his work into new and more expansive expressions. Usually, I get snapshots of artists’ careers: the single piece here and there in a gallery and museum; then the occasional retrospective that lets me see how a painter grows and changes over the years.

These are different times, especially for the occasional collector who doesn’t live in art-centered New York City, San Francisco or London. You’ve not only continued to develop (in leaps and bounds). You’ve communicated that development actively with your friends and collectors.

When I talked with Roni McMurtrey yesterday, she went considerably beyond her role as gallery director. She was as proud of you and your “Venti Americano” show as any parent and with good reason. The fact that every piece (except one) had little red “sold” dots beside it is just part of it. The two stunning new works you’d just brought in – and which were already spoken for – was another. She was particularly thrilled with the idea that your talent has been increasingly recognized, and that new fellowships are coming your way.

I don’t have the eye or the vocabulary to have written a review like the one by Keith Plocek in the Houston Press. My own efforts (like this past post) haven’t conjured up the descriptive imagery he used: “Happy, violent, dark, bright, expressive…”

I do know that the McMurtrey intends to hold your show over for at least another week, ‘til August 12th, and that most of the patrons have agreed to leave their Howard Sherman pieces on her walls until the show is over.

I’ll pass the word in the usual way, because other people should see the exhibition in this outstanding space. I hope others will look at your new works on the interactive portion of the gallery’s website.

Keep it up. All the best from your hometown…and one of your early fans.

“DMO,” mixed media on canvas, 60” x 50”, Howard Sherman. Courtesy of McMurtrey Gallery, 3508 Lake Street, Houston, TX.

AWNA Announced

NEW LAW PROPOSED: AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON (August 3) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. It is widely seen as one remedy for the complaint that Americans cannot do low-paying or “demeaning” jobs.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Barbara Boxer (D-CA). “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing.”

Former President Bill Clinton pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%). State DMVs also have a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under AWNA, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the proposed new law contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

“As a Nonabled Person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI, due to her lack of notable job skills. '”This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA), “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

Thanks and a tip of the Hatlo hat to Rob Schoenbeck and The Onion.

StormWarning Mailed

Every story should have a beginning, middle and end. This one has a past, a present and a future.

A lot of clients had field teams and other personnel working in remote locations in the Gulf Coast and lost track of some of them during 2005’s big hurricanes, Katrina and Rita. The landscape looked like a war zone – or Noah’s flood. Thousands of people evacuated without ways to contact their companies or families. Conscientious companies took out “Contact Us” ads and ran them in area newspapers.

People down here know this is serious. I started working with disaster communications ideas this past spring (see “Employees First,” here). Research aside, I thought there might be other ways to help companies keep in touch with their employees during an area-wide emergency. There was.

For the 2006 hurricane season, the president of Premier Company, Martha Justice, and I invented the StormWarning* package. We think it’s an easy way firms can help employees and customers stay in contact in any emergency, not “just” a hurricane.

This is a two-part piece, a self-mailer with a Wallet Card inside. The self-mailer format is the delivery vehicle. Your company can customize it with your own message and mail it to employees and their families, even customers.

(Last year, cell towers were knocked out, landlines drowned, computer systems failed – and mail couldn’t be delivered. That’s why we hope companies will get their own StormWarning cards out before the next storm hits.)

Personalize the detachable Wallet Card with your company’s emergency contact info: phone and fax, pager and Skype, special website urls – you name it. Your people can keep these vital cards close by, in their wallets or purses, if a storm or an evacuation prevents people from getting at their own information sources (like the emergency numbers taped onto a refrigerator in a flooded home).

Justice put Premier’s printing and mailing capabilities into the project, I wrote the copy and Design at Work created the arresting “sample” mailer and card you see above. 4,000 StormWarning packages (delivery mailer + Wallet Card) have already been mailed to corporate decision-makers at companies throughout the Gulf Coast.

Doing your own StormWarning package is easy because we designed it to be. E-mail Premier the unique text and contact info you want to include on the mailer and Wallet Card; as well as your own employee or customer database. Premier will take it from there to print; then address and mail the pieces.

Now about good timing: Tuesday, August 9th, the American Marketing Association-Houston luncheon will feature Mike Strecker, Director of Public Relations at Tulane University. His subject is “Crisis Communications: Keeping Your Head above the Water.”

I’m going to hear what he has to say and you should too: there are more ideas out there for companies who want to safeguard their employees’ safety and well-being.

To get all the details, click on the link in the paragraph above or e-mail Amanda P. Gatell at amanda.gatell@weatherford.com. To get your own StormWarning sample, e-mail Mark Sullivan at Premier, msullivan@premiercompany.com.

The future’s going to blow in any day now at 100 miles per hour. Be prepared.

*“StormWarning” is a trademark. All rights reserved. Thanks to Premier Company and its team. Excellent.

Pizza Palace

Thanks to people who shall remain nameless (Bob Lytle and his friends, a list of whom is available with the presentation of a warrant) for sending this as a public service. It’s both video and audio so turn your speakers on.

Not too loud, though, or the NSA will pick it up. You can't be too careful these days. But hey, check out the agency’s CryptoKids!

No Grail

Measuring advertising has been the Holy Grail of marketing and marketing communications people for, oh, a couple or three decades. Hundreds of marketing professionals (including me) have beaten the Grail like a tin drum.

“If only we could get our clients to measure the effects of the advertising,” we’ve pronounced, “they would know why they should spend their money on marketing.” On advertising. On promotional events. On us!

I’m changing my mind.

What if the secret of getting value for one’s intellectual or creative activity isn’t mathematical but chemical?

Mathematics (measurement) is an exact science. (Ignore quantum mechanics for the moment.) True, you can change a variable. But maybe our ability to get greater value (more money) for our ideas depends on our understanding that human relationships are intimately involved in each exchange. Relationships equal chemistry and human chemistry can vary the result a lot.

Two articles that address the basic idea of money and advertising came across my computer. I got the first one from John Reeves: “Advertising's Tangled Web” by Jim Cramer, a financial columnist.

Basically, Cramer (who last predicted the immediate demise of newspapers 10 years ago and admits he got it wrong) suggests why the old-line media are no longer able to command such hefty prices for ads and therefore for their programs. He believes it’s the “lack of accountability.”

Cramer’s piece has a lot to do with media costs and not so much with the prices we charge for the intellectual property of our creations. In fact, I wonder if there is an inverse relationship at work: as the cost of media (in general) is going down, should we “thinkers” bid our prices up?

When the ad biz started, the creation of the ads was given away as part of the newspaper ad sale. That’s what advertising agencies were originally: newspaper ad sales offices. Now, as media proliferates and the choices are more numerous, placement costs may go down – a big if since most web-delivered media cannot “prove" their circulation figures.

That was the first step. Then Joe Fournet wrote “Will Ad Agencies Continue to Look Like Grocery Stores?” which you can read here. In part, Joe said:

We must deliver viable solutions to the client’s business problem and demonstrate a return on investment in the process. Houston advertisers, for the most part, don’t do a good job of differentiating themselves from their competition. Their advertising message contains no big idea, no distinctive selling points to attract the consumer enough to act and, thus, buy. Very seldom are there parameters set by which to measure a campaign’s success.

Is it any wonder then why advertising doesn’t work under these commoditized circumstances?

Fournet uses words like “return on investment” and “measure a campaign’s success.”

What if we’re wrong? Or partly wrong? What if our clients are more likely to spend money with us because of our human connections, one to the other? Because they like us, trust us to do a good (valuable) job for them?

Lois McMaster Bujold, in her book A Civil Campaign, wrote, “A hundred objective measurements didn't sum the worth of a garden; only the delight of the users did that.”

We already admit that, when a client-agency relationship comes apart, it’s because of “bad chemistry.” One element of a long-standing relationship is “good chemistry.” It’s better that the client is…happy. That the client’s emotional objectives (and internal clients) are satisfied.

Measurement isn’t the Grail we’re after. Better things for better living through chemistry* is a more human motto – and model.

Detail: “The Achievement of the Grail” (1891-4), Tapestry by Edward Burne-Jones, Museum and Art Gallery of Birmingham. *E I du Pont de Nemours and Company.

Heineken Scam

Or, look before you reap. Last week, an odd e-mail cropped up in my Junk folder. It was from Heineken, the beer in the green bottle…so I opened it. This e-mail said I was the lucky winner of a “football pool” (= soccer for US readers) promotion run by Heineken in the UK. As a result, I soon would be receiving the magnificent sum of 385,000 British pounds.

One quick trip to the currency calculator later, I discovered I’d be getting about $714,000 in real money. Holy moley! I thought about rushing to tell Barbara that our money worries were over. Then I thought that if it’s too good to be true, then it ain’t true. (One virtue, I suppose, of being an adult.)

I Googled Heineken and found its US headquarters in good old White Plains, NY. I dialed the telephone number and ended up speaking with Miriam Veloz. I explained what was in front of me. She asked me to send her a note while she did some checking…but she said smelled a rat. I wrote:

Good morning. I have received an e-mail about something called “THE HEINEKEN INTERNATIONAL WORLD CUP PROMOTION.” It informs me that I have been selected as a winner for a considerable amount of money (in British pounds). It is from winnersupdate@heinekenintlpromo.info. It requests a response to roodneywalter_claims2@yahoo.com, who is identified as “HEINEKEN INT-L CLAIMS AGENT.”

Furthermore, a second address is included: “All replies must be directed to roodneywalter_claims@k.ro.”Although I have visited your website on several occasions, I don't recall a World Cup-related promotion. Is this legitimate? Or is it a scam? I'd appreciate hearing from someone “official” in the Heineken organization about this. Many thanks in advance.

Miriam wrote back within the half-hour:

Dear Mr. Baron,

Many thanks for your mail and for informing us. It is indeed a hoax. The Heineken brand name is often being fraudulently used for activities in which Heineken is not involved whatsoever. Also in the case of the mail you received, we would like to emphasize that Heineken is neither related to the described lottery nor is it connected to the alleged organization. Heineken would never conduct a lottery like this.

We are currently investigating the origin of this and other e-mails and will take appropriate measures. Miriam Veloz, Corporate Relations, Consumer Affairs.

I felt a small loss (£385,000 isn’t exactly tiny, though I would have settled for a year’s supply of beer). On the other hand, I’d gotten a straight – and quick – answer from a major multinational corporation. So thanks to Ms Veloz and the Heineken US organization, which like many major brands is a target for all kinds of nasty tricks.

And on the gripping hand, I solved a little mystery. Uncovered a scheme that wasn’t immediately attached to someone whose uncle was the former Transportation Minister of Nigeria. Smoked out a scam.

Nobody’s going to give me money I don’t work for. You either. To paraphrase Sgt. Phil Esterhaus, be careful out there on the Worldwide Web.

“EMPTY” © Josefstuefer, www.Dreamstime.com

Carter’s Dive

Back from a diving trip, Mary Jean Carter of Veolia Water here sent this photo along with a note:

Don’t know if you've been following the story of the Navy sinking the USS Oriskany to make the world’s largest man-made reef.

I dove it a few weeks ago. We were among the first to dive it since the sinking. Prior to the trip, I did a lot of research on the history of the “Mighty O” – sister ship to the “Bonnie Dick” (USS Bonhomme Richard), Senator John McCain's ship, the fire. My dad had friends stationed aboard while he was on the BHR.

During predive briefing, we were told another dive shop had already hung an American flag off the top of the island. But you can’t imagine, or rather you can imagine the enormous wave of emotion felt as we descended the line and first saw that huge flag waving above her deck! Chilling!

I touched the flight deck at 138’ and briefly thanked all the men and women who served aboard the “Mighty O” and other ships.

Vision Reservoir

Presenting my newest website project. Take a look.

Working for CMS, designer/art director Kay Krenek and I delivered Vision Reservoir’s new site cum simplicitate…simple rather than complex; readable rather than dense…lots of white space. Instead of data-heavy, it’s brand-oriented.

The geoscientific marketplace is an issue. It’s jam-packed. There are a number of well-known oilfield exploration and production software companies that have spent years accumulating products and data. And they put everything on their websites. Everything.

Vision Reservoir’s site is…cleaner. The company was renamed, shortening a much longer and more technologically complex name (see below). To break through the clutter, we extended this concept to emphasize what the company means by the word “Vision.”

The home page rotates among four different views, from earth orbit to deep geology: a satellite photo of an offshore field right down to a stratum of rock…to which we have added four different headlines. Each headline highlights a different role the company plays in reservoir remediation and productivity. Each one is founded on “Vision” for brand reinforcement.

We continued the concise design and copy throughout the site, emphasizing the brand name. There is enough information to explain but not overwhelm. (First, build the house; then decorate it. CMS’s Donna Giles did the hard-slogging work of assembling and organizing.)

Christine Reel, CMS Principal says: Actually, Kay Krenek (designer extraordinaire) provided the impetus to either: a) shorten the really lengthy corporate name that no one used; or b) add substance to the short four initials that were used with no reference. Her suggestion proved to be the cornerstone for a very effective re-branding initiative.

The most memorable and delightful vignette of the process was the presentation of four web concepts – each considered to be perfect and wonderful by the client. The “Vision” concept ultimately won out and is now providing a visually arresting and compelling site.

This is one of those client projects that went so well we can all bask in the afterglow.

Borrowing a line from another design industry professional, Susan Kirkland: “There are many things an art director relies on other professionals for, but none of them should involve decisions about how art supports copy or copy supports mission.”

In the new Vision Reservoir website, design and copy both support...clarity. With an afterglow.

Niki's Stuff

Now that Blogger is allowing photos again, here are a pair of pix from our visit to the exhibit at the Atlanta Botanical Garden. At the top, Bob and Edith Fusillo stand beneath one of the giant, mirror-covered figures...the Firebird. Its proper title: Oiseau de Feu sur l’Arche Evening, 1991. Bottom, one of the Nanas giving birth to...me.

Want to see more of Niki de St. Phale? Wikipedia has a broad selection of entries, links and photographs. You can read about her creation of the Nanas, which are such signature pieces for her.

In the post below (July 13th), I mentioned how well I thought Atlanta had done with the promotional aspects of this show. A quick glance at Google shows not just extensive local coverage, but articles about it from as far away as Colorado, and in publications like The Economist. That’s quite a publicity machine Atlanta’s got. Doesn’t hurt to have the Turner organization behind this one.

Joe Beck, who blogs on art-quarter.com, has said, “Many artists don’t know exactly why they do what they do when performing their art, but they know it’s important that they do it. It is important for the art consumer, too, or society, but often hard to see for them.” The Atlanta Botancial Garden has delivered a chance for “society” to see a huge range of work from a great artist. Thank you.

Carla's Joke

Just along I-12, traveling westward, Barbara and I spotted a small notice on one of those Interstate “Food Here” signs: Abita Brew Pub. We’d been looking for a place to have a late lunch, and here we were within a couple of minutes of some fine beer. So we pulled off right quick.

A little ways north of the Interstate (about four miles), we came into Abita Springs, Louisiana: “Welcoming Tourists Since 1867.” The Abita Brew Pub’s on the left, before you get to this historic town’s one traffic light. The café and the brewery are in the same little building. It’s a great stop for a fine pub lunch (a wide-ranging menu) and a few beers.

Abita Brewing Company’s probably most famous for its Turbodog, a pretty darn great dark brown ale. Number 2 on my hit parade is its Purple Haze, “a crisp, American style wheat beer with raspberry puree added after filtration.” Very, very good on a hot summer day in southern Louisiana. Barbara and I had a number of different samples along with our lunch, which caused an excessive number of potty stops as we drove on to Houston.

Now before I forget, here’s the joke that our waitress, Carla, told us – if you’re concerned about language, you should probably stop right here.

In all of St. Tammany Parish, you couldn’t find three better friends that Boudreau, Pierre and Thibodeaux. Why, they grew up together, they ran around together. They were just plain inseparable.

One day, though, Pierre was killed when he fell out of the Bobcat he was driving and it ran right over him. The coroner called on his two best friends to come identify the remains.

Boudreau and Thibodeaux went over to the parish morgue. The coroner pulled back the sheet and asked Boudreau if the corpse laying on the table was his friend Pierre. Boudreau looked the corpse over pretty good, then asked the coroner to turn the body over. He looked close, then stepped back from the body saying, “Nope, that ain’t Pierre.”

The coroner asked Thibodeaux if he could identify the body. Thibodeaux looked real close and then asked the coroner if he could turn the corpse over as well. Thibodeaux took a squint at the body’s lower half, stepped back and agreed with Boudreau: “Nope, that sure enough ain’t Pierre.”

The coroner was real puzzled. “Look,” he said, “we got the man’s driver’s license right here out of his back pocket, with his picture on it. How come you can’t identify this body as Pierre’s?”

“Pierre’s got two assholes.” said Boudreau. “This here body’s got only one!”

“Two? How do you know that?” asked the coroner.

“Cause everywhere we went,” answered Thibodeaux, “people were always saying, ‘There goes Pierre with them two assholes.’”

Visit Abita Springs when you’re over that way. You get excellent beer and entertainment along with it.

Bounteous Promotion

Here’s a city that really knows how to get the most out of its public attractions…especially one backed by Turner Broadcasting. So Fusillos and Barons went off to see the Atlanta Botanical Gardens on Tuesday.

The area has changed radically since I was a kid. I left Atlanta in 1968 so I missed it: the Gardens were started in ’73. Now at the north end of Piedmont Park, the Botanical Gardens are vivid and accessible. It’s not just the shrubs, trees and flowers – although the Orchid House is pretty damned outstanding all by itself.

For about the next six months, The Botanical Gardens feature Niki in the Garden, the largest exhibition of outdoor sculptures by internationally renowned artist Niki de Saint Phalle ever presented. The sculptures are huge! Wondrous! The artist’s signature Nanas are everywhere – powerful, exuberant women celebrating life, dancing, usually (but not always) in ponds and pools with water spouting everywhere.

The big garden spaces are great settings for mythical figures. Enormous animals. Athletes and totems. Some of them “reach as high as 18 feet and span up to 25 feet long.” They’re brilliantly colored or enameled. Covered in glass. Ceramics. Semi-precious stones and mirrors. So you get colors and textures and jangly slashes of reflected light.

The kids love every one of them…hundreds of children this past Tuesday AM, arriving in great fleets from daycare centers, brought in small squadrons by moms. All goggle-eyed at the fantastical art pieces, climbing over and around and underneath most of them.

I wonder where Houston would put something quite like this? I wonder if Houston could promote on this scale – especially if there’s no automatic national TV coverage like the Super Bowl? I do wish we’d give it a try. Thank you, Bob and Edith: it was a wonderful day.

PS: Bob sent pictures, but Blogger is having trouble with photos again. I'll try first thing in the AM.

Nempnett Thrubwell

It is difficult, (especially after a couple of gin Martinis), to convey the esoteric nature of our discussion about this small English town just south of Bristol – and the outright hilarity as well. This is especially true when we Googled up that Nempnett Thrubwell is the site of an ancient British barrow (or burial mound) knows at the Fairy Toot…which set off another round of giggles.

No, it's impossible. But Bob and Edith Fusillo and Barbara and I have now covered the subject in depth anyway.

Bob discovered that the name of this little 300-soul community was originally made famous by The Wurzels – the very same Brit scrumpy and western band whose top-selling single was “The Combine Harvester.”

(I have just been informed by Bob that Nempnett Thrubwell is at the top of a very steep hill. “Don’t tell I, tell ‘ee,” says Edith.)

It can't be got to, you know. Lying north of Blagdon Lake, Nempnett Thrubwell is isolated (but has a fine water pump). It‘s inside a network of little roads bounded by the A38, A368, B3114 and B3130. However, "whilst signposted from each of these major routes, a lack of any further signposting makes it difficult to locate the village when arriving by road." [My emphasis added.] Must be a state of mind.

A Bristol-living friend of the Fusillos, Sue Stops, originally told them about…uh, Nempnett Thrubwell. So what better way to celebrate a Monday than to sing a snatch of the Wurzels’ song, thank Sue second-hand, and pretend that we can talk with a Somerset accent as well as Bob can. (Which we can’t, but Bob and Edith are too polite to correct me.) On to dinner! This is what vacations are for.

Gracious thanks to www.bathnes.gov.uk for the photo. Ta, luv. No critical examination of Nempnett Thrubwell can be undertaken without recourse to Nempnett Thrubwell: Barrows, Names and Manors, by Richard Dunn. Highly recommended, £14.95: Somerset Records Office (Taunton).

Visiting Fusillos

Squirrels, squirrels, birds, squirrels. Birds, birds, squirrels. Chipmunk!

Martinis, martinis, squirrels. Squirrels. Birds. Pines, sweet gums, tulip poplars. Chicken salad. Yorkshire pudding. Coffee, cheese grits, eggs – over easy, sunny side up, scrambled. Naps.

Champagne. Squirrels, squirrels, birds, birds, mosquitoes. Family trees. Martinis. Chipmunk. Petite syrah. Squirrels, birds, spiders. Hydrangea. Squirrels. Fig preserves. Sugar cane syrup. Fireworks!

Eating Vicksburg

The best lobster ravioli I have ever eaten is served at the north end of Washington Street in downtown Vicksburg, MS.

I know – this is supposed to be about advertising. I already made careful notes as we drove out of Houston: the curious truck marked “Dog Wash on Wheels” on Beltway 8 and the “Last Step Deer & Hog Processing” sign we passed in Livingston.

Good food on the road goes to the head of the line. As we have discovered over the last two years, the AAA guidebooks turn up some pretty good places to eat in off-the-Interstate locations. Rusty’s Riverfront Grill is one of those. An awful lot of tourist pass through Vicksburg…coming to tour the battlefield and see some fine antebellum homes.

So Barbara and I spent the night in Vicksburg, and were guided to Rusty’s. It’s named after the owner/chef, Rusty Larsen, and hangs out in the former grocery store that’s been on Washington Street for at least 70 years…that would be to the left of the streetcar in the old postcard above.

Long story short: Rusty serves up a much more eclectic menu than most of his customers want, but for the few who do, there’s some pretty good eating. The salad dressings are homemade. Barbara ordered the crab cakes, with a remoulade that was somewhat spicy for her taste. And the aforementioned ravioli…superbly done. We got in early. Rusty’s is a big favorite of the locals and their kids. But most of them chow down on the steaks and the chicken. I also want to compliment the service. And the cold beer.

Nice place to visit, Vicksburg. Outstanding restaurant to enjoy. So if you’re passing through, try some of Rusty’s specials. There, you see? It's about advertising after all.

Postcard credited to Wayne Roberts Collection from www.davesrailpix.com.

Bates’s Beauty

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!

America! America!
God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

O beautiful for pilgrim feet
Whose stern impassion'd stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness.

America! America!
God mend thine ev'ry flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law.

O beautiful for heroes prov'd
In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life.

America! America!
May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness,
And ev'ry gain divine.

O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears.

America! America!
God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea.

The author of this poem, Katherine Lee Bates, wrote it in 1893, rewrote it in 1904, then issued a final version in ’13. The oh-so-familiar tune is “Materna,” composed by Samuel A. Ward in 1882, a decade before the poem itself was written.

What’s not so familiar are all the words of her poem – some of which I have put in boldface. They demand real thoughtfulness about what our Nationhood means (and should mean) even now, 113 years after she wrote it. Happy 4th of July, America! Remember that we stand for freedom, liberty and brotherhood.

Joel's Joke

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know ‘em.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “Okay, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Hell, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Bubba’s boss is pretty impressed but still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says. “President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.“Yep,” Bubba says, “I know him. Let's get ourselves to DC.” And off they go.

At the White House, the President spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over. “Bubba! What a surprise,” Mr. Bush says. “I was just on my way to a budget meeting, but you and your friend come on inside. Let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up on the latest news.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still...not completely convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies.

“No problem,” says Bubba. “I've known His Holiness a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in St. Peter’s Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards. So let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter’s Basilica. Half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns to the Square, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’s side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up from the ground and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

Thanks and a tip of the Hatlo Hat to Joel Sabel for this classic – and to this Sunday’s “Crankshaft” cartoon for reminding me about it.

Buford's Cavalry

Headquarters First Cavalry Division,
Gettysburg, June 30, 1863.

I entered this place to-day at 11 a.m. Found everybody in a terrible state of excitement on account of the enemy’s advance upon this place. He had approached to within half a mile of the town when the head of my column entered. His force was terribly exaggerated by reasonable and truthful but inexperienced men. On pushing him back toward Cashtown, I learned from reliable men that [RH] Anderson’s division was marching from Chambersburg by Mummasburg, Hunterstown, Abbottstown, on toward York. I have sent parties to the two first-named places, toward Cashtown, and a strong force toward Littlestown. Colonel Gamble has just sent me word that Lee signed a pass for a citizen this morning at Chambersburg. I can’t do much just now. My men and horses are fagged out. I have not been able to get any grain yet. It is all in the country, and the people talk instead of working. Facilities for shoeing are nothing. Early’s people seized every shoe and nail they could find.

I am, very respectfully, your obedient servant.

Jno. Buford
Brigadier-General of Volunteers.

[P.S.] The troops that are coming here were the same I found early this morning at Millersburg or Fairfield. General Reynolds has been advised of all that I know.

Dispatch courtesy of www.bufordsboys.com

Badger Congress!

Correct-o-mundo. E-mail, call or write your Senators. Tell them to vote to keep the Internet neutral. Then tell them again. Today.

If you use the Internet for commerce, if you blog, you need to find out more. If you use the Internet for your telephone service, you definitely should be on top of this issue. First, read the blog piece by Susan Kirkland. That’ll get you fired up. Then read “Save the Internet” on the Free Press website.

It’s critical – and complicated. In a tense tie vote yesterday, a US Senate committee rejected an amendment that would have preserved the status quo of equal pricing for all Internet traffic…that’s network neutrality.

It’s about money, of course. The big telephone and cable companies want to kill net neutrality. For example, if net neutrality disappears and you are using VoIP, your phone call could be dropped because it doesn’t meet “their” quality standards. These companies don’t want to give up the long-distance revenue that VoIP is draining from their bank accounts.

Wikipedia says here: Neutrality regulations require network providers (ISPs) to transport all packets on a first come, first served basis except for Denial of Service Attacks, to offer service plans distinguished only by bandwidth, and to refrain from billing third parties for network services.

Think about it this way. A vote to keep the net neutral is a vote for keeping the Internet free of regulation (and the kinds of predatory pricing that phone and cable companies just adore). And speaking of money, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are uneasy about “controlling” the Internet – especially since this is an election year and this has become a hot issue.

This is no “free press” deal – it’s a freedom-of-speech issue. Find your Senator’s e-mail address here. Want to include your Congressional Representative? Find his or her e-mail address here. Do NOT do nothing. Contact your politicians until they agree that the Internet should stay neutral.

Martins Back

Having spent the last week or so touring Alaska, Mary Jo and David Martin have come back home to the south. Here’s a picture of David seeking protection from the Alaskan mosquitoes. True or not, I really couldn’t resist the photo: he says the musk ox robe is about as silky as you’d wish – and warm with it. But not something he’s likely to need here in Houston.

Mary Jo said they enjoyed the entire trip, but her and David’s best adventure was in Fairbanks. They spent hours in the University of Alaska’s Museum of the North – a small but perfect place, designed by architect Joan Soranno, to learn and experience. The website notes:

The Museum's mission is to acquire, conserve, investigate, and interpret specimens and collections relating to the natural, artistic, and cultural heritage of Alaska and the Circumpolar North.

According to the Martins, it’s unique. Mary Jo was especially impressed by The Place Where You Go to Listen, a sound and light environment created by composer John Luther Adams. It’s a “musical ecosystem” where visitors are surrounded by the rhythms of daylight and darkness, the dance (and recording sounds) of the aurora borealis, and the seismic vibrations of the earth, in real time.

Glad they went. Glad they’re home. And next time, David, bring back the whole ox.

Creeped Out

For only five payments of $25.99, you can purchase a doll that looks like a prematurely birthed baby. True fact. This strikes me as seriously weird.

Early this morning, I was paging through one of Barbara's magazines. Good Housekeeping. Redbook. One of those. And among the half-dozen or ten other The Ashton-Drake Galleries ads was this one, on the left. “This doll is not a toy, she is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors.” Uh-huh.

This unusual piece of art is created by “renowned doll artist Tinneke” (who in real life is Tinneke Janssens) under the trademarked product line “So Truly Real.” There must be 300 hits on Google for the doll series and the artist. This is serious business...another one of those niche markets that I usually enjoy talking about. There are thousands of doll collectors worldwide. They have their own associations. You can even order a doll that looks like you, or a son or a daughter or a grandchild.

I have lived in such glass houses, so I can't really throw stones. There's not much intellectual distance between military miniatures, for example, and dolls. I understand the appeal of collecting all sorts of things.

Still, I hadn't even had my first cup of coffee yet. Art aside, it creeped me out to discover Little Grace lying there all pink on the page. Maybe I am too sensitive, but to see a doll that represents a preemie seems a bit off. Not true for you? It can be yours for only $129.99.

Photo from www.collectiblestoday.com.

Employees First

Last year, Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita caught a lot of us with our pants around our ankles in terms of emergency communications – with employees, customers and many other audiences.

So last Friday, Mary Jo Martin of Knowledge-Based Marketing and I finished a small qualitative survey among businesspeople in our area about disaster communications planning. It's titled “Are You Ready?” Here are a couple of highlights.

Unlike a general Houston Business Journal survey here, our smaller sample says 80% of our respondents do have a disaster communications plan in place. And 51% update their plans once a year (27% update more frequently).

Two-thirds of the respondents said they update their plans because of “weather-related changes.” That phrase is directly related to (and compared with) last year's hurricane season.

Most critical? Employees come first: 82% of the respondents said their most important audience for communications in an emergency was their workforce. When you’re responsible for the health and safety of your workers out in the field, or in your office, they are absolutely the ones you want to communicate with. (You want to make sure they and their families can communicate with you, too!)

Customers were the next most important group, 62% identified their customers as a key audience. Then the audiences fall off sharply in importance. Media, vendors and public authorities tied for third place, way down the list. Shareholders were the next lowest. And the “community” was last…not so surprising, since the topic is emergency communications by companies.

What is a bit of a shock is that 20% of the respondents do not communicate their emergency communications plans with employees. Looking at our respondent base (which is small) suggests that this 20% may be sole practitioners or small businesses. I hope so.

Last year proved the truth of the old Army adage about teaching. First, tell ‘em what you’re going to tell ‘em. Then tell ‘em. Finally, tell ‘em that you’ve told ‘em. When in comes to protecting your most valuable assets (your workforce), it’s way better to communicate your plan over and over again. Just like the City of Houston did.

Want a free copy of the “Are You Ready?” results? It's just four pages. You can respond to this post with your edress, below. Contact Mary Jo (further below),or richardlaurencebaron@hotmail.com.

Thanks to all our respondents and to Knowledge-Based Marketing.

Steph's Story

According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, OH, was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.

Following the instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl and scrubbed at the mirror.

There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Thanks and a tip of the Hatlo hat to Stephanie Murphy.

Humility Day

Thanks to the unfortunate performance of the US team during yesterday’s match against the Czechs – and my “typical” American attitude – I’m taking a Humility Day here in the executive offices of the Baron Text Development Company of Houston, TX. Why? Well, I had sent a little e-mail to my old friends and colleagues at Rust2, the Dialogue International Agency in Prague. Just a small boast. A tiny taunt.

Then the Americans made a poor showing against the Czechs in the World Cup game.

The polite principal of Rust 2, Graham Rust, sent an e-mail: “Just got your message while watching the match, now 89th minute and only four goals between USA and outright victory! Fingers crossed, see you soon! G.” Nice.

Oliver Herbst, one of Rust’s project managers, was at the match and more…forgiving: “I was there in person and can say the atmosphere was amazing. I’m still recovering from the victory (bus ride wasn’t what I had hoped). We met with some Americans hours prior to kick-off in a bar and both sides showed true sportsmanship wishing each other the best of luck (the Czechs a little louder though). Good luck against Italy on Saturday!”

My thanks to Graham and Oliver for not beating me over the head with the Czech victory. That sound you hear? It’s only me, choking down my slice of home-made humble pie.

Topo Chico

The Mexican team, El Tri, won its first FIFA match yesterday in Nuremberg, with terrific play that outscored Iran 3-1. I had a talisman for its victory.

I was holding a bottle cap I found during my Sunday AM walk, from a bottle of Mexican mineral water. It has the classic Topo Chico logo, red with white “snow” on top, on a yellow background. Even as I picked it up, I could visual the classic Mexican bottle, that heavy greenish glass so much like an old-style Coca-Cola bottle.

Like a lot of brands that have spread north of the Rio Grande, Topo Chico soft drinks are a familiar and colorful sight in grocery stores here, and wherever there’s a large Hispanic population. In addition to agua mineral, the brand offers flavors you don’t see in US pops – pineapple, tamarind (one of my faves) and grapefruit.

The company’s story is a classic one too, and you can read all about it here – in Spanish or English. I’m particularly fond of the “Legend of Topo Chico,” which involves your basic Indian (in this case, Aztec) princess in search of curative waters, which she found springing forth from a hill shaped like a mole (topo in Spanish, according to the website)…a mole hill.

Quite how the originators of the brand got from the mole hill to the brand name (mole + boy, or “small, awkward person” according to Babel Fish) is beyond me. Maybe somebody will tip me to the secret.

More important, though, is juxtaposing the concept of the little guy with the appeal of Mexico’s big win on Sunday. It’s a great story. I hope that the Topo Chico bottlers will consider a tie-in with Mexican football next year. Buy a bottle for yourself next time you’re at the store. Viva Tricolores!

Photo courtesy of www.bevnet.com.

Joe Marketing

From the number of times I’ve posted about coffee, you’d imagine that’s all I think about. Not true. Mostly. On the other hand, I am fortunate to belong to a lively online forum that, last week, generated some interesting back-and-forth about marketing the upscale java experience in the US.

The head of Marketing for SoFlow, Sam Bedford, started this hare:

I just read that BK (Burger King), McD (McDonald’s) & Dunkin Donuts plan to grab a substantial piece of Starbucks’ market share by appealing to the average consumer who may be intimidated by the Starbucks vocabulary as well as the price.

Question: Don’t you think with over 80% share of the retail coffee market the ave. Joe is actually buying from Starbucks and buys into the whole experience or am I completely wrong and there is a huge opportunity to win middle America?

If you’d like to see what other marketing professionals think about the Big Three’s chances to take substantial market share away from Starbucks, read the entire discussion thread here. You may need to be a member, if you aren't already. You could always join up. It’s free and I have enjoyed the devil out of it. Have a great weekend.

Logo © Soflow Ltd.

McKee’s Five

Long post – good subject. The president of McKee Wallwork Cleveland, an ad agency specializing in fast-growth companies and businesses, wrote a Viewpoint article for Business Week magazine. Here’s a shortened version of what Steve McKee wrote about “five words you should never use” in an ad:

Quality. This may be the most overused word in advertising, which is the primary reason why you should stay away from it…every company believes it can use the word “quality” in its advertising. Too many have, and as a result, now it has become just seven empty letters.

Value. Like quality, value has been ruined by overuse….Value, like quality, is in the eye of the beholder, and every product or service has its own value equation. Saying “we provide the best value” is, therefore, virtually meaningless.

Service. Have you ever heard an ad promising lousy service? Of course not, which is the reason why claiming good service just falls on deaf ears…simply promising great service won't make it happen.

Caring. Do you really believe your company cares more about your customers than your competition does? It may feel good to say so, but the claim flies in the face of common sense.

But the fifth word is different. The fifth word doesn’t work precisely because it’s not variable. The fifth word is binary. (Huh?)

Integrity. A company either has integrity or it doesn’t…When a company talks about integrity in its advertising it’s for one of two reasons, neither one of them good: They’re either trying to cover up some lack of integrity (which never works) or they’re implying they live by a higher standard than their competition. That’s impolite, to say the least. Every company needs to have integrity. No company needs to advertise it. Using common words that have become empty clichés is a shortcut to nowhere. Just because you sell it doesn’t mean people will buy it.

As the intro says, it’s a viewpoint. I’ve been struggling for years to keep tired words out of ad copy. I’ve never quite been able to drive a stake through “flexible,” for example. “Customer-focused” is another one.

McKee’s five words do have their problems. However, as code words, they do have…uh…value. “Integrity,” for example, is almost mandated these days because of Sarbanes-Oxley requirements. Limp words (like the McKee Five) will continue to be used despite an inconoclast’s viewpoint. So I have three suggestions for companies and institutions about the McKee Five.

First, go to the trouble of supporting tired words like “value” or “service.” Prove why your value or your service is worth more than a kiss-off from jaded consumers.

Second, consider the scary idea of a report card. Many hospitals, for example, are using report cards whose scores are generated by patient comments – and putting them up on their websites. If you base your marketing and advertising on such common characteristics, test them on your customers…and report the results. Product and service improvement should be a continuous part of your business anyway, so a real report card isn’t something you should be ashamed of using.

Third and better yet, try finding out what your customers’ real key decision factors (DCFs) are…through research. Dig beneath the McKee Five for DCFs that are truly meaningful to your customers. Find out how your company, product or service is rated relative to those factors. Then base your advertising on those where you are strongest, or those that you want to reinforce.

McKee is really saying, “Don’t be lazy.” You want customers? Give them real reasons to buy from you. I guarantee it’s worth the effort.

Original article © The McGraw Hill Companies. All rights reserved. Thanks to Rob Schoenbeck for pointing this one out.

Kleptocracy…Huh?

In a recent article, I was reminded that for every corporate chairman like Rich Kinder or Steve Jobs whose “salary” is $1, there are dozens (like Home Depot’s Bob Nardelli and Yahoo’s Terry Semel) whose compensation is in the hundreds of millions of bucks.

I am re-reading Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond and just finished his chapters on kleptocracy, which is, broadly, “A government characterized by rampant greed and corruption” [from the Greek kleptein, to steal].

Specifically, Diamond is describing the ruling class of a nation state that transfers tribute from producers to an elite (p. 276-277, Norton trade paperback, 2003). I was struck by Diamond’s “four solutions,” the ones that rulers have used to gain popular support while still maintaining power (and riches)…and how much his model could be applied to the world’s current crop of humongously compensated CEOs.

I’m as capitalistic as any businessman. I work hard for my earnings and don’t – mainly – begrudge others’ higher salaries. But there’s a parallel between what Diamond’s ruling kleptocrats have done historically and what a number of C-level executives do with their corporations.

So very briefly, I’m putting down Diamond’s four solutions, and a corporate interpretation of each.

Disarm the populace and arm the elite. Well, think about what the corporations do to “disarm” their employees, like fostering dependence on healthcare benefits; and their stockholders, like forbidding them to ask pointed questions during shareholders’ meetings. Corporations arm their elites with similar (but smaller) executive compensation packages and privileges.

Make the masses happy by redistributing much of the tribute received. How about slightly better returns on share price, or bonuses for workers, or giving substantially to charity? Hmmm? Aren’t these ways of “sharing the wealth,” but not very much of it?

Use the monopoly of force to promote happiness. In other words, the company will fire your keister if you question its behavior. Isn’t that what happened to several of the Enron whistle-blowers? Or, the company will move offshore, depriving the community of much-needed jobs (which keep employees and their families happy).

Construct an ideology or religion justifying kleptocracy. This one’s pretty easy if you presume that capitalism is the reason and the justification. But since I am a capitalist myself – without the hefty salary – I would rather offer the “ideology of corporate entitlement,” which has been heavily displayed by Enron, HealthSouth, and a few other companies: we’re the best, so we deserve to be able to treat you like peasants.” This kind of attitude runs throughout a given organization…every employee feels the same way, no matter how little he or she is involved in corporate management.

None of this is new. Wasn’t it Al Capp who coined the phrase more than 50 years ago, “What’s good for General Motors is good for the USA?” Or was this from the musical version?

Think how often this subject has come up – like every time there’s a big corporate scandal, reaching back to Harry Sinclair and the Teapot Dome Scandal, the Robber Barons (no relation) of the late 19th Century, and beyond

I’m not biting the hands that feed me. I am grateful to be able to conduct my business with some of the country’s largest corporations.

I also know – and so do you – that there are thousands of American business leaders who do not make anywhere close to the kind of money we’re talking about here. Many of these thousands do indeed redistribute their wealth to shareholders, employees and charities, and are particularly worthy of respect.

But when I hear that somebody’s getting $100 million in compensation, I really do wonder if he or she couldn’t get along with $10 million or $1 million – and surrender the rest to the shareholders.

Cover: WW Norton & Company. All rights reserved.

No Pix

Just in time to reference a current problem with Blogger, this arrived from Edith Fusillo in Atlanta.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.”

Blogger, Signalwriter’s host, has been technically glitched for the past 72 hours. Nobody’s been able to post photographs to their blogs and the bloggers are restless. More than that, they’re outraged. Some pretty…hasty…comments have been shared in the discussion group, here.

Once Blogger became aware of the problem – and admitted that it was system-wide rather than an individual blogger’s incompetence – it has gone to work on it. But these haven’t been patient hours for the bloggers.

Moderation would seem to be the best approach to dealing with the issue, despite our deep-seated recognition that a picture's worth mucho words. We’ll just have to wait it out. Meanwhile, it’s “no pix” for Signalwriter.

This affair does support a couple of things I’ve noticed (and commented on) the previous posts. First, propeller-heads seem to be terminally convinced that nothing could possibly be the fault of their software or hardware...no pun intended. I’ve had several mechanical failures in my new computer system. Each time I called my computer guys, they said, “We’ve never, ever seen that happen before. Are you sure you’re not (fill in the rest with achingly long technical expositions)?” In every case, a mechanical part has indeed broken and they’ve had to replace it.

Second, the e-mails from Blogger users demand instant gratification; I have written about this kind of technological expectation in previous posts.

Until Blogger has solved the challenge, use your imagination when you read my words. Envision hurricanes. Visualize twins separated at birth. Meantime, a second pun forwarded by Edith sums it up: Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!”

Thanks and a tip of the Hatlo hat to Edith’s originating correspondent, tlynn623.